Beyond the Frame: Healing the Story of "Too Much" and "Not Enough"
A post in our Radical Belonging series.
At some point, most of us have carried the heavy belief that we are fundamentally out of step with the world - either “too much” or “not enough.” Too sensitive. Too intense. Too quiet. Too emotional. Not social enough. Not productive enough. Not successful enough.
These are not just passing thoughts. They are powerful messages that can settle deep into our nervous system, coloring the entire canvas of our identity. They dictate how we see ourselves and how we allow ourselves to be seen in our most important relationships.
In our Radical Belonging series, we are exploring what it takes to find your place in the world when these painful stories have shaped the very lines of who you think you are.
Sketching the Origins of the Story
For many, these messages began in childhood. If you are neurodivergent, you likely heard them early and often: stop fidgeting, stop daydreaming, stop talking so much, stop being so shy. You received the clear impression that your natural way of being was a problem to be solved.
Family systems also play a defining role. In some families, achievement is the price of admission for love and acceptance. In others, becoming invisible is the safest way to navigate conflict. We learn to adapt, but at a cost.
Vulnerability researcher Brené Brown distinguishes between guilt (the feeling that one has done something wrong) and shame (the intensely painful belief that one is bad). As she explains in Daring Greatly, shame thrives in silence and attacks the core of our being. When we believe we are fundamentally flawed, we stop speaking up, stop taking creative risks, and stop challenging the narratives that keep us small.
The Trap of Self-Shrinking
To cope with the persistent feeling of being "wrong," we often learn to shrink ourselves. We become masterful people-pleasers, dedicated perfectionists, and tireless workers. We mask our true feelings and avoid conflict at all costs, hoping that if we can find the proper shape, we will finally be accepted.
But here is the painful irony: contorting yourself to fit into a space defined by others will never lead to true belonging. It only creates a more profound disconnection - from others, and most tragically, from the core of who you are.
As psychotherapist Francis Weller writes in The Wild Edge of Sorrow, we all carry a profound "longing to belong." When we internalize rejection, we begin to grieve not only the connection we lost, but the authentic self we were never allowed to be.
Challenging the Narrative
What would it feel like to challenge the story that you are too much or not enough? What if you decided to see it not as truth, but as a sketch that was drawn for you long ago?
Healing begins with gentle inquiry. Start by asking yourself:
Who first handed me this message?
In what parts of my body or my life do I still carry it?
How has this belief shaped my relationships and my creative work?
Who benefits when I believe this story about myself?
True healing isn't about erasing our perceived flaws, but about meeting them with kindness. As self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff teaches, this process starts when we offer ourselves warmth and understanding, especially when we feel we have fallen short.
Painting with Your Whole Palette
Belonging to yourself means making space for all your parts, not just the polished, presentable ones. It means inviting your bigness, your softness, your messy anger, your uninhibited joy, and your deep sorrow to have a place at the table. It means allowing every color to be part of your masterpiece.
Practicing this wholeness might look like:
Speaking your needs honestly and kindly to friends and loved ones.
Letting yourself rest when you are tired, instead of pushing through to prove your worth.
Engaging in creative expression that feels messy, real, and liberating, without judgment.
Seeking out communities where you feel valued for who you are, not just tolerated.
You are not too much. You are enough. You are a complete human being, full of edges, contradictions, and depths that will never fit neatly inside a box.
True belonging doesn't come from shrinking. It begins the moment you permit yourself to take up space.
In our next post, we will explore practical ways to reparent the parts of you that were left behind and finally become the source of belonging you’ve always deserved.