Radical Belonging: What to Do When You’ve Never Felt Like You Fit
There’s a particular kind of ache that comes from walking through the world feeling like a puzzle piece that doesn’t match the picture on the box. Some people experience this feeling in childhood, while others don’t name it until adulthood. For many of us — especially those who are neurodivergent, queer, chronically ill, or survivors of complex trauma — the question “Where do I belong?” echoes louder than we care to admit.
This is the beginning of a series called Radical Belonging, because belonging — authentic, grounded, soul-deep belonging — often isn’t something we’re given. It’s something we reclaim.
The Myth of Universal Fit
Our culture loves the idea of belonging as a passive state: something you naturally feel when you’re surrounded by “your people.” But for those of us who are different in visible or invisible ways, the story is more complicated.
Researcher Brené Brown distinguishes between fitting in and belonging, noting:
“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging... doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”
(Braving the Wilderness, 2017)
This may sound empowering, but if you’ve lived most of your life in camouflage, authenticity can feel terrifying. And the cost of “fitting in” has often meant self-abandonment — a mask worn so long it left an imprint.
When Belonging Isn’t in the Room
Many of us didn’t grow up in spaces that nurtured our truth. Maybe your neurodivergent traits were punished, your queerness erased, your cultural identity ignored, or your sensitivity misunderstood. You learned to shrink, adapt, or disconnect. Over time, you stopped expecting to belong.
In fact, for some, safety meant staying separate.
Psychologist Jean Baker Miller once wrote that:
“Being in connection is what makes people fully human.”
(Toward a New Psychology of Women, 1976)
But connection isn’t possible without trust, and for many of us, trust was never safe. So we learned to live without it. We became our own safe place. We survived.
That survival is something to honor. And yet, eventually, many of us reach a point where surviving isn’t enough. We want to belong — not just to others, but to ourselves.
What Now?
Here are a few places to begin when you've never felt like you fit:
Grieve the Absence
The first step toward belonging is grieving the places it wasn’t. That includes childhood, family systems, school environments, workplaces, and even friend groups that didn’t or couldn’t see you. Naming that pain matters.
Psychologist Pauline Boss calls this ambiguous loss — the absence of something that was never fully there, yet still deeply felt. (Boss, 2006)
Belong to Yourself First
As simple as it sounds, learning to belong to yourself is revolutionary. It means making space for your quirks, contradictions, and longings — without apology.
This echoes Tara Brach’s concept of radical acceptance:
“Clearly recognizing what we are feeling in the present moment and regarding that experience with compassion.”
(Radical Acceptance, 2003)
Start with questions like:
What parts of myself have I hidden to survive?
Who might I become if I no longer had to perform?
What brings me ease, even when I’m alone?
Find (or Build) Micro-Communities
You may not find your people in a single place. However, you might find them in various settings: a friend, a book club, a neurodivergent meetup, or an online art group. Belonging doesn’t have to be wide to be deep. And sometimes we need to build the spaces we’ve been waiting for.
As adrienne maree brown reminds us:
“We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”
(Emergent Strategy, 2017)
Closing Thoughts
If you’ve never felt like you fit, you’re not broken — you’re likely just living in a world that was never designed with your full humanity in mind. Radical belonging is the quiet, persistent act of returning to yourself — and then, from that anchored place, finding or shaping the spaces where your presence is not just tolerated, but welcomed.
In the coming posts, we’ll explore topics like:
The difference between safety and belonging
What it means to be “too much” or “not enough”
Reparenting the parts of you that were left out
How to build relationships that honor your truth
Because belonging shouldn’t be a reward for compliance. It should be your birthright.