Becoming Your Own Safe Harbor: A Gentle Guide to Reparenting Yourself
A post in our Radical Belonging series.
In our last conversation, we explored the heavy stories of being “too much” or “not enough.” We discussed how these messages can cause us to shrink, hide, and disconnect from our authentic selves. Ultimately, we promised to discuss how to care for the parts of you that were left behind in that process.
Welcome to that conversation.
This journey is about reparenting. It’s a term that might sound clinical, but the idea is deeply human. Reparenting is the practice of giving yourself, as an adult, what you needed and didn’t receive consistently as a child.
This isn’t about blaming our parents or getting stuck in the past. Most parents do the best they can with the tools they have. This is about empowerment. It’s about recognizing that you now can become the source of compassion, safety, and encouragement you’ve always longed for. You get to be your own safe harbor.
Listening to Your Inner Child
To start, it can be helpful to think of the "parts of you that were left behind" as your inner child. This is the part of you that holds your unfiltered emotions, your boundless creativity, your vulnerability, and your purest sense of wonder.
When that inner child was told to be quiet, be less sensitive, or be more productive, they learned to hide. Reparenting is the act of gently calling that part of you back out into the light. It starts by asking: What does this part of me truly need?
Usually, the answers are simple:
To feel safe.
To be told their feelings are valid.
To be given permission to play and be messy.
To be loved without having to earn it.
Here are four practical ways you can begin to offer that care to yourself.
1. Become Your Own Compassionate Voice
Think about how you talk to yourself when you make a mistake. Is your inner voice a harsh critic or a gentle guide? A good parent wouldn’t berate a child for spilling a glass of milk. They would say, “It’s okay, accidents happen. Let’s clean it up together.”
How to practice this: The next time you feel embarrassed or frustrated with yourself, pause. Take a breath and consciously soften your inner voice. Try saying something you’d say to a dear friend or a small child:
"You’re having a really hard moment. That’s okay."
"You did your best, and that is enough."
"It’s okay to feel disappointed. I’m here with you."
You are creating a safe internal studio where it’s okay to be imperfect.
2. Validate Your Feelings (All of Them)
Many of us were taught that certain feelings were “bad” or “wrong.” We learned to suppress our anger, hide our sadness, or feel ashamed of our anxiety.
A loving parent teaches a child that feelings are like weather—they are natural events that pass through. They aren’t problems to be fixed.
How to practice this: When a strong emotion comes up, try naming it without judgment. Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t be so anxious,” try acknowledging, “This is anxiety. I can feel it in my chest.” This simple act of naming creates space. It tells the wounded part of you: I see you, I hear you, and you are allowed to be here.
3. Make Space for Play
Adulthood can become a long to-do list. We are praised for being productive, not for being playful. But your inner child doesn’t thrive on spreadsheets and deadlines; they thrive on joy, curiosity, and unstructured fun.
How to practice this: Schedule five or ten minutes of purposeless play. This isn’t another task to optimize. It’s an invitation.
Put on a song and dance in your kitchen.
Scribble with crayons on a piece of paper with no goal in mind.
Walk outside and notice the shapes of the clouds.
Watch a favorite cartoon from your childhood.
Play is the native language of your inner child. It’s about reminding yourself that your worth is not tied to your productivity.
4. Set Loving Boundaries
Good parents are protectors. They shield their children from harm and say “no” to things that aren’t safe or healthy for them.
Reparenting yourself means becoming the loving guardian of your own energy, time, and well-being. Boundaries are not selfish; they are the ultimate act of self-care. They are you saying, "I value myself enough to protect my peace."
How to practice this:
It’s okay to say “no” to a social event when you feel drained.
It’s okay to mute a conversation that is upsetting you.
It’s okay to ask for what you need, whether it’s help, space, or understanding.
The Artist and The Canvas
Reparenting isn’t a one-time fix. It’s a slow, steady, and sometimes messy practice of showing up for yourself with kindness, again and again. It’s about learning to treat yourself with the care and attention you would give to a precious piece of art in progress.
You are both the artist and the canvas. By becoming your own source of love and acceptance, you build the foundation for radical belonging from the inside out. You finally come home to yourself.
Sources & Further Reading:
LePera, Nicole. (2021). How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self. Harper Wave.
Gibson, Lindsay C. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. New Harbinger Publications.
Bradshaw, John. (1990). Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. Bantam Books.