From a Safe Harbor to an Open Sea: Finding Your People
A post in our Radical Belonging series.
In our last post, we focused on the sacred work of "reparenting” - of turning inward to build a safe harbor inside yourself. We learned to offer ourselves the compassion, validation, and safety we always deserved. This internal foundation is the most crucial step in the healing process.
But we are not meant to stay in the harbor forever. We are built for connection, for shared laughter, and for the kind of support that can only come from others. The question is, how do we venture out into the world and find those connections without losing the safety we’ve worked so hard to build?
This is where we learn to find our people.
The Great Mismatch: Fitting In vs. True Belonging
First, we must draw a clear line in the sand between two words that are often confused: fitting in and belonging.
Fitting in is about assessing a group and changing yourself to be accepted. It’s like wearing a costume. You might receive an invitation to the party, but you live in constant fear of being discovered. It is exhausting and unsustainable.
True belonging requires you to show up as your authentic self. It doesn’t demand that you change, only that you be who you are. As researcher Brené Brown says, “Belonging is being accepted for who you are. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.”
The work you’ve done to heal the stories of “too much” and “not enough” has prepared you to seek the second. You no longer have to settle for the first.
Navigating by New Stars: What to Look For
When you’ve spent a lifetime trying to fit in, it can be hard to know what true belonging even feels like. Instead of looking for a group that seems perfect, start by looking for individuals who embody certain qualities. These are the green flags, the new stars to navigate by.
Look for people who demonstrate:
Curiosity Over Judgment: When you share something personal, do they ask thoughtful questions, or do they jump to conclusions? Safe people are curious.
Room for Your Whole Self: Can you be quiet, sad, or awkward around them without feeling like you need to apologize? A true friend makes space for your cloudy days, not just your sunshine.
Reciprocity: Is there a healthy flow of giving and receiving? Belonging grows in relationships that are a two-way street, not a one-way highway where you do all the emotional work.
Shared Values, Not Just Interests: Having a hobby in common is a great starting point, but belonging is built on a foundation of shared core values—like kindness, integrity, creativity, or justice.
Where to Look: Planting Seeds of Connection
So, where do you find these people? The answer is to go where your authentic self already feels alive and engaged.
Instead of going to a place to find friends, go to a place to do something you love. The connection is a byproduct of the shared passion.
Consider these fertile grounds:
Creative Spaces: This is a natural home for The Healing Canvas community. Join a pottery class, a figure drawing session, a writing workshop, or a local choir. When you create alongside others, the pressure to make conversation disappears, and connection can grow organically from the shared act of making.
Value-Driven Groups: If you value a cause, find others who do too. Volunteer for an animal shelter, a community garden, or a local advocacy group. Working together for a shared purpose is a powerful bonding agent.
Learning Environments: Join a book club, take a class at a local college, or attend a public lecture. These spaces attract curious minds and naturally foster conversation and connection.
Start with One
The idea of “finding your people” can feel overwhelming, as if you suddenly need to assemble a large, perfect friend group. Let’s release that pressure.
The goal is not to find a crowd. The goal is to find one person with whom you can practice being your authentic self. One safe connection can be the anchor that gives you the courage to find another. This is slow, patient work, like tending a garden. You plant a seed, you water it with your time and attention, and you trust the process.
You have built a home within yourself. Now, you get to build a neighborhood.
In our next and final post in this series, we will explore the last crucial step: The courage to be vulnerable within these new relationships and truly allow yourself to be seen.
Sources & Further Reading:
Brown, Brené. (2017). Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. Random House.
Parker, Priya. (2018). The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters. Riverhead Books.
Franco, Marisa G. (2022). Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends. G.P. Putnam's Sons.