Unlearning the Script: Why Steering Away from Gender Norms Frees Us All

We don’t just go against gender norms in my home — we don’t acknowledge them. I do most of the cooking and grocery shopping. I clean, I nurture, and I create structure. None of these things are revolutionary — until someone asks, “Oh, you cook?” as if they’re surprised I’m a man with a skillet.

But here’s the truth: the moment we stop performing who we think we should be, we make room to become who we are. And that makes space for everyone around us to do the same.

What Are Stereotypical Gender Norms, Anyway?

Stereotypical gender roles are cultural expectations that dictate how people “should” behave based on their assigned sex at birth. You probably know the script: Men are supposed to be stoic providers, not emotional caregivers. Women are expected to be nurturing, domestic, and accommodating. These expectations show up in how we divide chores at home, assign authority in workplaces, or even choose hobbies and colors for our kids.

In the home, this often plays out as:

• Women doing the majority of housework and childcare, regardless of employment status

• Men being expected to handle finances, yard work, or “fixing” things

• Emotional labor being disproportionately carried by women (keeping schedules, smoothing social interactions, remembering birthdays)

In the workplace, you might see:

• Men being fast-tracked into leadership roles

• Women’s assertiveness is seen as aggressive, while men are praised for the same behavior

• Caregiving or support roles (teachers, nurses, administrative assistants) being feminized and underpaid

• Emotional expression by men labeled as weakness and by women as instability

Why Challenge Gender Norms?

Because they limit us. All of us.

Research has shown that rigid gender roles contribute to poorer mental health outcomes, particularly for men who are discouraged from expressing vulnerability (Mahalik et al., 2003). For women, the burden of “doing it all” — career, family, emotional caretaking — leads to higher rates of anxiety and burnout (Hochschild & Machung, 2012).

Trans and nonbinary people face even more pressure and danger when gender nonconformity collides with social expectation. In short: these norms don’t make space for the spectrum of human experience.

And let’s not forget children. Kids absorb everything. The more we unconsciously reinforce these norms, the more they learn to shrink, overcompensate, or disconnect from who they really are. If instead we model choice, shared labor, and emotional honesty, we raise humans who feel safe being whole.

What Happens When We Let Go of the Script?

Something beautiful happens when you stop asking, “What am I supposed to do?” and start asking, “What works for us?”

In our home, there’s no gold star for who earns more or who washes more dishes — because we aren’t keeping score that way. We both work hard, we both love deeply, and we both do what needs doing. Not because of who we are supposed to be — but because we live here. Together.

That freedom spills out into other places. At work, I don’t feel pressure to be “masculine” in ways that shut down my compassion. With my son, I can model that being a man isn’t about dominance — it’s about integrity. And with friends and clients, I’ve noticed that when you stop performing, people breathe easier around you. They don’t feel like they have to perform either.

What’s the Social Gain?

Steering away from gender norms isn’t just good for individuals — it’s revolutionary for society.

When we:

• Reject roles that limit people based on gender

• Model mutual respect and shared labor in relationships

• Support authentic expression in our communities
  We build a culture of empathy, equity, and connection. We create room for nuance, which is where real healing happens.

The Work of Unlearning

This isn’t about doing everything differently overnight. It’s about noticing. It’s about asking why you believe what you believe. It’s about letting your home — and your life — be designed around your actual values instead of inherited roles.

As bell hooks wrote, “Love is an action, never simply a feeling.” Reimagining our relationships, our work, and ourselves with love at the center — not gender — is where that action starts.

Sources:

• Mahalik, J. R., et al. (2003). "Development of the Conformity to Masculine Norms Inventory." Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 4(1), 3–25.

• Hochschild, A. R., & Machung, A. (2012). The Second Shift: Working Families and the Revolution at Home. Penguin Books.

• hooks, b. (2000). All About Love: New Visions. William Morrow.