Loving Yourself Isn’t Selfish. It’s Sacred.
Let’s be honest: if self-love were easy, we wouldn’t be here. We wouldn’t need reminders stuck to mirrors, saved reels, or whole industries built around helping us “just love ourselves.”
So many of us have heard the phrase, “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself,” and quietly thought, “Well then I’m doomed.”
But what if I told you that self-worth isn’t a destination, it’s a practice? And like any practice—it takes time, gentleness, and a whole lot of unlearning.
Why Honoring Yourself Is So Damn Hard
The truth is, most of us were not raised to honor ourselves. We were raised to be pleasing. To be productive. To be good. And “good” often meant small. Quiet your needs, don’t speak up, don’t make anyone uncomfortable with your emotions or desires.
Psychologist Kristin Neff, who pioneered the field of self-compassion, points out that our inner critic is often internalized from early environments that equated worth with performance or obedience (Neff, 2003). If love was conditional—based on grades, behavior, weight, or compliance—we learned to link doing well with being worthy.
It’s not your fault. But it is your opportunity to rewrite that story.
The Myth of Earning Your Worth
One of the most toxic messages we internalize is that worth must be earned. That we have to do something—heal faster, work harder, shrink our bodies, fix our personalities—to deserve rest, love, or care.
But self-worth, by definition, doesn’t come from outside approval. It’s the belief that you have value just because you exist.
And that’s radical. Especially in a culture built on perfectionism, comparison, and productivity.
Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability and shame, writes, “Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites” (Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection, 2010). Yet so many of us live as if it does.
Honoring Yourself Is a Practice of Resistance
To honor yourself is to say:
I deserve boundaries.
I will not abandon myself to be accepted.
I choose to be on my own side.
These aren’t easy declarations. They’re revolutionary. Especially if you grew up in chaos, trauma, or simply in a culture that didn’t make space for your whole self.
Choosing to love and honor yourself—your needs, your body, your energy—is not just healing. It’s resistance to a world that often profits off your self-doubt.
So How Do You Start?
You don’t start by “loving” yourself. That’s too big. You start by listening.
Listen to the voice that says, “I’m tired.”
Listen to the feeling that flares up when a boundary is crossed.
Listen when your gut says, “This doesn’t feel right.”
Then, you honor that voice. Even in small ways. Maybe it means resting when you “should” be productive. Maybe it means saying no when you’re scared people will leave.
Each act is a vote toward the self you’re becoming.
Why It Matters
When we don’t believe we’re worthy, we let life happen to us. We settle. We self-sabotage. We give too much or take too little. And often, we pass that pattern on.
But when we believe in our own worth? We show up with clearer boundaries, healthier love, and softer compassion. For ourselves and others.
And maybe that’s the whole point.
Sources:
Neff, K. (2003). Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing.