Who Am I Now? Rebuilding Identity After Survival
The Soft Rebuild: Life Beyond Survival (Part 3)
After I came out of survival mode, I hit a quiet wall.
The crisis was over. The bills were paid. My body wasn’t in a constant state of alarm. But instead of relief, I felt… lost.
So much of who I’d been was built around coping, fixing, working, or defending. And now that I didn’t have to, I didn’t know what to want.
I asked myself, out loud one night: If I’m not just surviving anymore… who the hell am I?
Identity Under Chronic Stress
When we live in long-term stress or trauma, our identity often becomes function-first. You might become…
The fixer
The achiever
The avoider
The caretaker
The invisible one
The one who never cries
These aren’t flaws—they’re survival roles. But over time, they start to feel like personality traits. And eventually, like facts.
Dr. Gabor Maté describes this loss of authentic self as a trauma of adaptation. We disconnect from who we are to stay attached to what we need—often approval, safety, or love (Maté, 2003).
So when survival mode ends, there’s often a void. Not because we’re empty, but because we’ve been surviving for so long, we haven’t had the space to simply be.
The Soft Work of Becoming
Rebuilding identity after survival isn’t like making a to-do list. You don’t simply “find yourself.” You remember yourself. You try things on. You grieve what you never got to be. And you learn what feels real.
Here’s what that can look like:
Start With Curiosity, Not Certainty
You might not know who you are yet. That’s okay. You can start with, What do I want to try? or What have I always been drawn to? Curiosity invites identity without pressure.
Differentiate the Role From the Self
Ask yourself: Was this part of me born from love or fear? For example, was being “the responsible one” an authentic joy—or a way to keep peace in a chaotic home?
That question changed everything for me.
Make Room for Contradiction
You can be resilient and tired. Tender and powerful. You can want connection and solitude. We’re taught to find a lane, but healing lets you build a whole road.
Follow the Glimmers
In trauma therapy, glimmers are micro-moments of safety and joy (Dana, 2018). They also point toward identity. When you feel most alive—what are you doing? Who are you with? What values are present?
One of my clients realized that when she sings while cleaning, she feels most like herself. That’s not just joy—it’s identity whispering through the cracks.
A Personal Note
For me, identity reconstruction has meant letting go of being “the strong one.” I wore that like armor. It kept me going when things were hard. But now? I want to be soft. I want to be the person who cries during movies, who makes weird art, who says “I don’t know” and means it.
It’s scary, but it’s honest.
Closing Thought
If you’re standing in that liminal space between “who I had to be” and “who I might become,” you’re not lost. You’re in it. That’s the work. That’s the rebuild.
Identity doesn’t have to be declared. It can be discovered. Slowly. Gently. In your own time.
Sources:
Maté, G. (2003). When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection. Wiley.
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. Norton.
Please visit the Artist Eye Affiliate Store for recommended items for self-soothing and self-care.