When “Self-Care” Becomes a Burden — Letting Go of the Fix-It Mindset
When self-care stops feeling like care.
When the weighted blanket feels too heavy.
When the walk outside feels like one more thing to do.
When meditation feels like failure.
When rest feels like pressure to “bounce back.”
When healing feels like performance.
That’s when self-care becomes a burden. And that’s when it’s time to let go of the fix-it mindset.
When Care Turns Into Obligation
Many of us were taught that healing is a checklist:
Drink water. Breathe deeply. Take a bath. Do yoga. Journal it out.
But what happens when you do all of that—and still feel like hell?
You start wondering:
What’s wrong with me that even self-care doesn’t work?
The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with you. The problem is the culture around self-care has become commodified, perfectionistic, and often disconnected from what genuine care looks like, especially for folks who are neurodivergent, chronically ill, in grief, or holding trauma.
The Fix-It Mindset: A Trauma Response in Disguise
Sometimes, what we call “self-care” is just masked urgency:
If I do this right, I won’t feel this way anymore.
If I fix myself fast enough, I’ll be lovable, functional, and safe.
If I stay productive in my healing, I won’t be abandoned.
This isn’t care—it’s control.
And ironically, it’s a reaction to the very pain we’re trying to tend. Many of us grew up learning that rest = laziness, that asking for help = weakness, that emotions = threat. So we use “self-care” as a way to perform okay-ness instead of genuinely feeling safe.
What Real Care Looks Like (Spoiler: It’s Not Always Cute)
Real care isn’t always pretty. It doesn’t always look good on Instagram.
Real care might be:
Saying no to the walk and curling up with a heating pad instead
Crying into your cereal
Sitting in the dark with no goals
Letting yourself feel hollow without trying to fix it
Letting dishes sit and text messages go unanswered
Asking someone to bring you soup
Real care is about relieving pressure, not adding more.
If You’re Stuck in the Fix-It Loop:
Here’s how to gently step out of it:
Reflection Prompts:
Am I doing this to soothe myself, or to fix myself?
What would “care” look like if it didn’t have to achieve anything?
What happens in my body when I permit myself to do nothing?
Mantras to Try:
“I don’t need to earn my rest.”
“There is no perfect way to heal.”
“Care is allowed to be simple, messy, or quiet.”
Let Rest Be Rest
You are not a project. You are a person.
You are not behind. You are human.
You don’t need to turn every hard moment into a breakthrough.
Let your care be imperfect. Let it be non-linear. Let it be yours.
Because when the tools stop working, sometimes the most healing thing you can do is stop trying so hard to be okay.
Next Up: What Now? Tools for When You’re Tool-less