The Power of Accountability: Why It Matters, Why It’s Hard, and How to Heal
There’s a moment in all our lives—whether in a relationship, at work, or just alone with ourselves—where we know we’ve messed up. Maybe we said something cruel, broke a promise, avoided a tough conversation, or fell short of a responsibility. And in that moment, we’re faced with a choice: lean into accountability or deflect, defend, or disappear.
Accountability is the act of taking full responsibility for your actions, behaviors, and impact—without blaming others, making excuses, or minimizing harm. It’s not about self-shaming or groveling. It’s about integrity, growth, and repair. And yet, so many of us run from it.
Why?
Let’s unpack what accountability really means, why it’s so hard sometimes, and how we can come back to it—even when we feel like we’ve gone too far to return.
What Is Accountability?
At its core, accountability is a relational act. It acknowledges that our actions ripple outward and affect others. It means owning those actions and their consequences, whether they were intentional or not. It’s saying, “This is what I did. This is how it hurt you. And I’m here to make it right.”
According to researcher Brené Brown, accountability is one of the key components of trust:
“We earn trust by doing small things with consistency. And accountability is one of those small, big things.”
Without it, trust erodes—sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once.
What Happens When Accountability Is Missing?
In Relationships:
Lack of accountability in close relationships can feel like gaslighting: someone harms you and then refuses to acknowledge it. Over time, this builds resentment, emotional distance, and an unsafe environment. It becomes nearly impossible to connect or grow together when one person continually avoids responsibility. The result? Broken trust, cycles of conflict, or even trauma.
In the Workplace:
In professional settings, lack of accountability leads to dysfunction—missed deadlines, poor morale, and toxic blame culture. Teams without accountability often experience burnout because some people over-function to compensate for others who refuse to own their role.
In Ourselves:
When we avoid accountability internally, we stay stuck. We repeat patterns. We sabotage progress. We may even create stories to justify our behaviors: “I’m just bad at commitment.” or “They overreacted—it wasn’t that bad.” These mental gymnastics keep us comfortable—but not honest. And without honesty, healing can’t happen.
Why Is Accountability So Difficult?
Accountability requires vulnerability. It forces us to look directly at the parts of ourselves we’d rather avoid. Often, this taps into deeper shame, especially for those of us who grew up with punitive or perfectionistic parenting. If you were only shown love when you were “good,” then admitting fault may feel like inviting abandonment or rejection.
Dr. Harriet Lerner, psychologist and author of The Dance of Connection, writes:
“Apologies and accountability aren’t signs of weakness. They’re signs of strength and self-worth. It takes courage to say, ‘I hurt you. I was wrong.’”
But we’re not always ready. So we lie to ourselves. We minimize, rationalize, deflect. And sometimes we wait so long that it feels like it’s too late.
The Lies We Tell Ourselves to Avoid Accountability
“If I bring it up, it’ll make things worse.”
“They’re just sensitive—it’s not really my fault.”
“I don’t remember it that way.”
“I didn’t mean to, so it doesn’t count.”
“It’s in the past. Why bring it up now?”
These statements aren’t harmless. They’re barriers. They keep wounds open. They may protect our ego in the short term, but they destroy connection in the long term.
So What Can You Do?
How to Start Being More Accountable
Get Honest With Yourself.
Start by reflecting. What patterns do you repeat? Who have you hurt? What situations have you tried to forget instead of repair? Journaling or talking with a therapist can help bring clarity.
Separate Guilt From Shame.
Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am something wrong.” Accountability lives in the space where you can admit wrongdoing without losing your sense of self-worth.
Reach Out—Even If It Feels Late.
A heartfelt apology is always better than silence. Be specific. Acknowledge the harm. Don’t defend yourself. Ask if the person is open to dialogue—but respect their answer if they’re not.
Listen Without Defending.
Accountability means making space for the impact, not just your intention. Let the other person express how they were affected—even if it’s hard to hear.
Make Repair, Not Just Apologies.
Words matter, but so do actions. Ask: What do they need from me now? How can I show up differently? If you’re not sure—ask them.
Commit to Change.
Accountability is ongoing. It’s not about being flawless, but about being willing to grow.
Healing, Even When It Feels Too Late
Sometimes we think we’ve burned the bridge beyond repair. But even if the other person doesn’t want to reconnect, accountability still matters—for your own healing. You can write a letter you don’t send. You can speak aloud the truth you’ve hidden. You can practice being the person you wish you’d been.
As therapist and author Resmaa Menakem puts it:
“Repair is not always about reconciliation. It’s about responsibility.”
When we choose accountability, we’re choosing self-respect, integrity, and a future not shackled to the past.
Final Thoughts
Accountability is hard. It will crack your pride and bruise your ego. But it will also set you free.
We don’t become better people by being perfect. We grow by admitting where we’ve fallen short—and rising again, this time with intention. Accountability isn’t about punishment. It’s about repair, trust, and change.
Even if it feels too late, it’s not.
Start today.
Sources:
Brené Brown. Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House, 2018. ↩
Harriet Lerner. The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate. HarperCollins, 2001. ↩
Resmaa Menakem. My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies. Central Recovery Press, 2017.