Reclaiming Joy After Chronic Survival Mode

The Soft Rebuild: Life Beyond Survival (Part 1)

For years, I thought I was doing fine.

I paid the bills. Showed up to work. Took care of my family. Smiled at parties. But underneath, I was brittle. My nervous system was coiled like a spring, always on the verge of snapping. I wasn't thriving—I was surviving.

And I didn’t know there was a difference.

What Is Survival Mode?

Survival mode is the body and brain’s adaptive response to overwhelming stress. It's your nervous system saying, "We're not safe. Prioritize survival over everything else."

This can look like:

• Hypervigilance

• Emotional numbness

• Exhaustion and burnout

• Avoidance of joy or connection

• Chronic anxiety or irritability

• Difficulty planning or imagining the future

According to the Polyvagal Theory, coined by Dr. Stephen Porges, prolonged activation of the sympathetic (fight/flight) or dorsal vagal (freeze/shut-down) states can limit access to social engagement and joy, keeping us in a neurobiological loop of threat response (Porges, 2011).

In short: you can’t feel joy if your body doesn’t believe it’s safe.

Why Joy Feels Foreign After Survival

When you’ve been stuck in chronic stress, whether due to trauma, caregiving, poverty, racism, or other sustained threats, joy can feel dangerous or even frivolous; we become conditioned to brace for impact. And when joy does appear, it often feels fleeting or suspicious.

I used to feel guilty if I relaxed. Like the moment I let down my guard, life would pounce. So, instead of chasing joy, I chased control. It worked, sort of. But it came at a cost.

How Do You Reclaim Joy?

Joy, like safety, isn't something we will ourselves into. It has to be invited, tended to, and allowed. Here's how I (and many of my clients) have started this process:

Name That You’ve Been in Survival Mode

Start by honoring the truth: you’ve done what you had to do to survive. Naming survival mode helps you differentiate it from “normal life.” It’s not a moral failing—it’s a nervous system adaptation.

As trauma therapist Resmaa Menakem writes, “The body, not the thinking brain, determines what happens to the thinking brain.” (Menakem, 2017)

Start With Micro-Joy

Don’t chase fireworks—look for candlelight.

Micro-joys are small, accessible glimmers that bring momentary warmth: a sunbeam on your face, the smell of coffee, your favorite song. These tiny pleasures can begin to rewire your brain for safety and satisfaction (Hanson, 2013).

I started with birdsong. Literally. I let myself sit for 3 minutes and just listen to the morning birds. That small act softened something in me.

Let Joy Be Imperfect

You might cry during joyful moments. You might feel restless or guilty. That’s okay. It’s grief surfacing—grief for how long you’ve gone without. Joy doesn’t need to be pure to be real.

Build a Safe Container

Therapy, community, or trauma-informed spaces help create the container you need to experience joy without being overwhelmed by it. Joy is vulnerable, and it needs protection, especially after trauma.

Dr. Thema Bryant reminds us: “Joy is a form of resistance. After trauma, joy becomes a radical act.” (Bryant, 2022)

A Personal Note: What Helped Me Most

For me, the turning point came when I stopped trying to “fix” myself and started witnessing myself with compassion. I stopped asking “How do I get back to who I was?” and started asking “Who am I becoming now that I’m safe enough to feel?”

My joy today is quiet. It shows up when my kid belly laughs, my dog flops over for a nap, and I allow myself to write without trying to make it profound. It’s not performative. It’s mine.

Closing Invitation

If you’re emerging from survival mode, I want you to know that the numbness doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your body protected you. Now, piece by piece, you get to remember what it means to be alive, not just functioning, which is the beginning of that story.

If you are seeking tools or resources, check out my Affiliate Store. Purchases made help support those in need.

Sources:

• Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation. Norton & Company.

• Menakem, R. (2017). My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies. Central Recovery Press.

• Hanson, R. (2013). Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence. Harmony.

• Bryant, T. (2022). Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim Your Whole, Authentic Self. TarcherPerigee.