Emotional Intelligence: Healing From What We Didn’t Get
When you’ve grown up with a parent, or both, who had low emotional intelligence (EI), you might not have had a name for it. You just knew you felt unseen, misunderstood, or like your feelings were “too much.” Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one’s own emotions while also being able to identify and respond appropriately to the emotions of others. Parents with low EI often struggle to name feelings, validate emotions, or navigate conflict in healthy ways.
The impact doesn’t end in childhood. These early experiences can ripple through your adult relationships, work life, and even how you speak to yourself.
How Low EI Parenting Shapes Us
Client Story:
One client came to me feeling “numb” in most of her relationships. Raised by a father who avoided emotional conversations and a mother who responded with anger to vulnerability, she learned early on that feelings were unsafe. Now, as an adult, she found herself shutting down when her partner asked, “What’s wrong?” because she didn’t know how to answer.
When our parents can’t model emotional awareness, we often miss out on learning core skills: how to name emotions, how to self-soothe, and how to express needs without fear. Instead, we might develop coping mechanisms, like people-pleasing, overachieving, or avoiding conflict entirely, to feel safe.
How It Shows Up Later in Life
You might notice patterns like:
Feeling disconnected from your own emotions
Overreacting to minor stressors or avoiding them entirely
Difficulty maintaining deep, authentic relationships
Struggling with boundaries because you fear rejection or conflict
Being highly self-critical, as if nothing you do is “enough”
Client Story:
Another client, raised by a single mother who minimized emotional needs, excelled academically and professionally but felt “empty” inside. He realized he had no idea how to celebrate his own successes without external validation. In therapy, he connected that pattern to never receiving emotional encouragement as a child, only acknowledgment for achievement.
The Journey to Healing
Healing from low EI parenting isn’t about blaming parents, it’s about understanding the environment you were raised in so you can make intentional changes.
At Artist Eye Counseling, we start by helping you build your own emotional vocabulary. We work together to identify patterns, connect them to your early experiences, and practice new responses in a safe, supportive space. We also use creative, strengths-based approaches that engage more than just your thinking brain, art-making, mindfulness, and narrative work can help you integrate emotional awareness on a deeper level.
Client Story:
One client described therapy as “learning a language I was never taught.” Through guided reflection, mindfulness exercises, and reframing old beliefs, she began to recognize emotions in real time and respond to them with compassion instead of judgment. Over months, her relationships became less about conflict avoidance and more about authentic connection.
Why Artist Eye Counseling
If you were raised in an environment where emotions were dismissed, ignored, or punished, it can feel like there’s something “wrong” with you. The truth is, there’s nothing wrong; you were brought up in a world that didn’t teach you the necessary skills.
At Artist Eye Counseling, we specialize in working with clients who are ready to understand themselves differently. Together, we help you:
Identify emotional patterns and triggers
Learn to name and regulate emotions
Build healthier boundaries
Develop self-compassion and resilience
Healing is possible. And each step toward emotional awareness is a step toward a more grounded, connected life.
If you are ready to talk and live in Oregon, book a free 15-minute consultation.
References:
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books.
Brackett, M. (2019). Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive. Celadon Books.
Gottman, J., & DeClaire, J. (1997). The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.